November 30, 2007

Disorder In The Court


The following are questions which were (allegedly) asked in court. Having had a few lawyer friends, myself, and based on conversations I've had with some of them, and the questions I've heard them ask, I'm not surprised. I think I am, also, acquainted with some people like the witnesses here, too.

Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July fifteenth.
Q. What year?
A. Every year.

Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q. This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A. I forget.
Q. You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q. How old is your son - the one living with you?
A. Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q. How long has he lived with you?
A. Forty-five years.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A. He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.

Q. And where was the location of the accident?
A. Approximately mile post 499.
Q. And where is mile post 499?
A. Probably between mile post 498 and 500.

Q. Sir, what is your IQ?
A. Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q. Did you blow your horn or anything?
A. After the accident?
Q. Before the accident.
A. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A. We both do.
Q. Voodoo?
A. We do.
Q. You do?
A Yes, voodoo.

Q. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A. Yes.
Q. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. What did she say?
A. What disco am I at?

Q. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q. The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

Q. Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q. Did he kill you?

Q. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q. You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q. How many times have you committed suicide?

Q. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at the time?

Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there any girls?

Q. You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A. Yes.
Q. And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q. Mr Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A. I went to Europe, Sir.
Q. And you took your new wife?

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this a male, or a female?

Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q. All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A. Oral.

Q. Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.
Q. And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So, is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have been alive, nevertheless?
A. It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q. You were not shot in the fracas?
A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

COURT TRANSCRIPTS
Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Lawyer: Male semen?
Witness: That's the only kind I know of.

Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Lawyer: Was it covered?
Witness: Yes, bandaged.
Lawyer: Then, later on, what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Clerk: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
Witness: "I swear by Almighty God.."
Clerk: "That the evidence that I give.."
Witness: That's right.
Clerk: Repeat it.
Witness: "Repeat it."
Clerk: No, repeat what I said.
Witness: What you said when?
Clerk: "That the evidence that I give.."
Witness: "That the evidence that I give.."
Clerk: "Shall be the truth and.."
Witness: It will, and nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please, just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and.."
Witness: I'm not a scholar, you know.
Clerk: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me, "Shall be the truth and.."
Witness: "Shall be the truth and.."
Clerk: "Nothing.."
Witness: Okay.
(Witness remains silent)
Clerk: No! Don't say nothing. Say, "Nothing but the truth.."
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Can't you say, "Nothing but the truth?"
Witness: Yes.
Clerk: Well? Do so.
Witness: You're confusing me.
Clerk: Just say, "Nothing but the truth.."
Witness: Is that all?
Clerk: Yes.
Witness: Okay, I understand.
Clerk: Then say it.
Witness: What?
Clerk: "Nothing but the truth.."
Witness: But I do! That's just it.
Clerk: You must say, "Nothing but the truth.."
Witness: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
Clerk: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
Witness: What? You mean, like, now?
Clerk: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
Witness: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
Clerk: Thank you.
Witness: I'm just not a scholar.

7 comments:

rockync said...

ROFL!!!!! I'm trying to read between my tearing eyes and figure out if this is about dumb witness answers or dumb lawyers questions! I think this answer sums it up pretty well:
"A. It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."
If I had to guess where in the United States these were uttered, it would have to be California. (ok, that's kind of mean, I know, sorry.)
Too funny!

Jan said...

rockync..well, I'm not sure where, but I am sure every state has a few lawyers and witnesses just like the ones featured here.

I sent these to a lawyer friend of mine down in Alabama, and he had a good laugh over the one you mentioned, too. :)

rockync said...

We have a cousin who is a retired lawyer and I think I'll need to swipe this and email it to her. I'm sure she'll get a kick out of it.
After seeing who ends up in jail, I have no trouble believing this is all taken from real trials. LOL

Jan said...

rockync..this is probably only the tip of the iceberg! :)

sheoflittlebrain said...

Too funny! Thanks Jan:)

Jan said...

sheoflittlebrain..we can all have a good laugh over that, can't we? ;)

GUYK said...

BAWAHAHAHAHAHA