Now You Know...According To Kids

This comes from a Catholic elementary school. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. They have not been edited or corrected. The kids' spelling remains intact.

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

The Nice Customer

I'm a nice customer, you all know me. I'm the one who never complains, no matter how bad the service I receive. I'll just stand and wait while the clerk works on some paperwork, or talks on the phone. Sometimes, someone who came in after me gets waited on first. When the clerk says, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'll be with you in a minute," I don't complain. I just wait. I never scream, I never nag. I never criticize. I would never make a scene in public.

You see, I will remain the "nice customer" without getting excited or upset, because my revenge is much more effective. I'm also the customer who never comes back. A "nice customer" like me, multiplied by others of my kind, could just about ruin a business...and there are many people like me around. When we have been pushed far enough, we go down the street to the competition.

He laughs best who laughs last! I laugh when I see you spending your money frantically on advertising to get me back...when you could have won me, and kept me as a customer with a few kind words, and a smile.

Okay, okay...I guess I can wake up now...all of that is just a dream, espcially in this day and age. Maybe, a few years ago, in another time, it may have been like that. The cold hard fact now, though, is that common courtesy has gone by the wayside for the most part, and good luck to you if you think going down the street to the competition makes any difference at all. I'm speaking, of course, of the merchandising business.

Hopefully, it is different when it comes to other services, such as your medical provider. I think that they will think twice if you take a stand there...they've got an awful lot to lose for sloppy services rendered--like maybe a license to practice, and a whole bunch of money!

Kids and Angels

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos
anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working
on it. Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to heaven, and then there's still the
Flight training to go through. And then you got to
agree to wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when
God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math,
But he's not much good for science. Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying
you up to heaven. The main subject is where
you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath
and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy.
If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow.
Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and
his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear
Dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year.
She got a big head start on helping me while
She was still down here on earth. Katelynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping
heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't
make the animals get better, they help the
child get over it. Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when
someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.Sarah, 7