October 11, 2007

The Middle Wife

(By An Anonymous Second Grade Teacher)

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclass room a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place anyboundaries or limitations on them.

If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'"

Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.

" "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down withher back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of watershe kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'"

"They started counting, but never even got past ten.

" "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.

" Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.

Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along


DNR said...

That was the cutest story. Thanks so much for the smile and chuckle this morning.

So many things see through a child’s eyes can be amazing again.

Michael said...

That was fabulous.
Thanks for sharing.

Take Care

sue said...

I always used to be embarrassed when my kids would do something dumb at school (can you say, snow boots with no shoes or socks in September?) until I had a long conversation with the almost-ready-for-retirement kindergarten teacher who just laughed and told me she'd seen everything. I believe it.

Cute story. Thanks!

Vin De Vine said...

I always liked 'show and tell' alot more than 'how I spent my summer vacation' assignments.

Jan said...

dnr..especially the way that they see them! LOL

Jan said...

michael..you're welcome!

You take care, too!

Jan said...

sue..if we only knew what all the teachers really got to find out from our kids! :)

Jan said...

michael..what I wouldn't give to see some of what you had to show and tell..it had to be some of the most creative stuff! :)

Lydia said...

Hi Jan, What a cute story. It must be so fun teaching 2nd graders. My daughter's in 1st grade and she loves school.

Jan said...

lydia..yes, I think that around that age, children are so cute, and funny, too!

It's good that your daughter loves school, and I hope it continues as she gets into the higher grades.

I bet she has a really good teacher, and lots of friends!

Vin De Vine said...

I was always the teacher's pet, or their worst nightmare...

Jan said...

vin..I can understand that!

Btw..I bet your show and tell included an occasional cow or two, probably! :)

rockync said...

Isn't it amazing to see what we say and do interpreted by a child? Here's my child story; when my youngest was in 1rst grade, I found out I had to have a hysterectomy. I thought I did a really good job explaining what was happening and how I would be in the hospital and all. That is until Adam's teacher called me to ask if I was all right. I told her what was going on and she started laughing. "Do you want to know what Adam told us all this morning?" Oh, no, here comes that sick, light-headed feeling. My darling son told them "my mother is sick and tired and she's going to the hospital tomorrow to kill all her babies." LOL

Jan said...

rockync..I'm really laughing out loud!

That is so funny..they were probably getting ready to send a mental health worker out to your house!!

Anonymous said...

That kid has a good understanding of the process involved.

When my first one was born, I'd been in the field at Fort Bragg for three days on an exercise. They brought me back to the hospital, filthy dirty in my field uniform and I got to stand by my wife for six hours before my daughter was born.

When my son came, I waited in the waiting room and he was born in about 45 minutes.

I love both my kids dearly but I would just as soon have passed on that particular experience.

Jan said...

Hermit..I bet you would rather have been on bivouac, than observing that ordeal! LOL

rockync said...

LOL, Jan and thank God she was an experienced teacher. I think she called first to see if I sounded sane of not!

Jan said...

rockync..good thing for you that she did, or you would've had a lot of 'splainin' to do, Lucy! LOL