September 16, 2007

A History Lesson

The following is a "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. They are enough to make you laugh and perhaps cry. All original spelling and grammar remain intacked...I mean intact!

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the coral wreath because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.


Olivia Kroth said...

This makes me sad, Jan, and I would rather cry than laugh.

Analphabetism and lack of knowledge seems to be as widespread among school children in the USA as in Germany.

Being a teacher, my heart bleeds. Where has all our work gone? So many lessons at school, but almost no results to be seen.

Are teachers not qualified enough to teach children so that they will learn anything valuable? Or is the new generation of children so hard to educate that nothing really stays fixed in their heads? They seem to have brains like sieves.

GUYK said...

"Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper."


"The government of England was a limited mockery."

Things just don't change much, heh

Anonymous said...

"Are teachers not qualified enough to teach children so that they will learn anything valuable? Or is the new generation of children so hard to educate that nothing really stays fixed in their heads? They seem to have brains like sieves."

No, they mostly aren't qualified to teach anyone.

Yes, they are that hard to educate.

Yes, their brains are kind of smoushy, just like all brains.

I think most learning goes on after we get out of school. American school just gives you, if you are lucky and try hard, enough information to learn how to learn on the job without screwing up too badly. European schooling, I observed, in some cases, they evidently try to teach them EVERYTHING, and things that pop up outside their rote - that just blows their minds.


Olivia Kroth said...

I find that a harsh judgement, jdallen, but probably there is a grain of truth in it.

Vin De Vine said...

Personally I think learning develops most powerfully in the first few years when a child's brain is screaming for information that will allow them to survive, find pleasure and avoid pain. I mean we have to teach ourselves to breath within a matter of minutes after we are born or games over right from the start. How many of us consciously remember how to breath today? That is something we learn so well we take it for granted now.

Jan said...

Olivia..sorry this makes you sad. I don't think that analphabetism was the point here..just a bit of humor.

As far as a lack of education, or teachers being unqualified, or children having brains like sieves, I think that most students excel in the subjects that they are really interested in, or ones in which they are adept.

Jan said... that hurt, don't you? :)

Jan said...

"I think most learning goes on after we get out of school."

jdallen...and there are those with no formal education at all, who are pretty sharp.

Welcome, and thanks for your comments.

Jan said...

Hmmm...well, vin, our brain stem is the thing that controls our breathing, along with our digestion and heartbeat, but I understand what you are saying.

You're right about the younger years being some of the most formative, and the proof of that, I think, is the ability of a very young child to learn another language.

GUYK said...

I think Jan is right. Kids learn mostly what they want to learn but then again it is a teacher's job to make the kids want to learn..I used to teach some of the driest stuff in the world to most affairs. Another time I taught a block of management and supervision instruction to brand new Non Coms..a dry subject to most people but a vital one to new supervisors. I did my best to use humor in the classroom and to make the learning process an interesting and fun one.

A lot of K-12 teachers are missing out by not doing the same and expecting kids to just soak in the knowledge they put out. But it don't work that way and the humor above is the results in too many cases...

"Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men." BAWAHAHAHAHAHA

I hope Fat Hairy Guy see this..he is a history teacher.

Jan said...

"but then again it is a teacher's job to make the kids want to learn.." true, and that is the difference between a good teacher and an average one.

Jim - PRS said...

There were just so many gems here. If I had to pick one, I might go with, "Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock."

Damn, that's funny.

Jan said...

Welcome, know that can be pure poison, sometimes!

I kinda liked the one about Queen Victoria sitting on a thorn for 63 years! :)

GUYK said...

"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."

At least the kid was using some deductive logic....BAWAHAHAHA

Jan said...

guyk...each time I read through this, I have to laugh, too.

Just gotta be pretty knowledgeable to know what they were talking about..otherwise you wouldn't know how funny it actually is! :)

Olivia Kroth said...

"Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis" - this is not about analphabetism, Jan?

These kids know the letters of the alphabet, but they do not know how to place them correctly to make sense.

The "un"-knowledge is bottomless, without fathom, as Shakespeare would say.

By the way, some German students of mine spell his name "Shakesbier", a new sort of beer.

Jan said...

Olivia..when I said that it was not about that, I meant that the article, itself, was not posted to point out analphabetism but was intended only as a bit of humor.

Anonymous said...

And in the great spirit of Murphy's Law, if these keep being passed around, guess what the archeologists are going to dig up in the far future as evidence of our ancient civilization?

I first read these on joke sheets back in the 80's. You know, the kind you passed around before the internet...


Jan said...

TheSev..yes, I know they've been around for a long time, but I doubt that things have changed much,and there are a lot worse things being passed around.

Thanks for your comment.

Anonymous said...

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